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Why We Settle for Men’s Crumbs

My “I’m not taking any shit” face. Anymore.


I have settled for crumbs from men…

Like the guy I lived with who spent his share of the rent money on a new bicycle seat. It was one nice fucking seat!

But of course, I paid his share of rent and secretly dreamed of lighting that bike on fire.

Or the guy I spent nearly five-years with who did not once ever remember my birthday or buy me a Christmas gift.  His Grandma did, but not him!  What was I thinking?  She would have been a better date!

And then there’s the two-second lover who asked me “If I was just not into sex” when I did not orgasm in the first two minutes after he did. I wish I had told him that he was terrible, selfish and shitty lover but I just found my clothes and left.

So there is no shame, if like me, you have settled at time for men’s crumbs.

But why?


Why did I ever settle for this terrible behaviour?

Why did I tolerate it?

I can’t really blame the men I chose.

I chose them and their crap. I put up with it until I was near the breaking point.


So many of my clients tell me they are “tired of chasing after men’s crumbs.”

Women are hungry…

…Hungry for a soulful relationship.

…Hungry for better sex and their own orgasm.

…Hungry for a man/their man to be truly there for them, no matter what.

…Hungry for a man/their man to be strong and yet vulnerable too.


And yet we are sorta tired and maybe we believe that the crumbs are “good enough”.

So back to my question: Why did I ever settle for this terrible behaviour?


Why I Settled for Crumbs

Clearly there were some self-esteem issues tied up here, but I won’t give you the usual self-help “I’m not feeling worthy.”  You can see that.  I felt unworthy, but…

Here what was really underneath my acceptance of crumbs:

  •  Terror – I was actually TERRIFIED of being truly loved +  loving deeply. I was frightened of the power of love + maybe losing myself.  I was also scared of losing love. I was afraid to have something so good and then lose it so I kept it away.


  • Patterns – I had no idea what a good relationship looked like so I was re-creating much of the same pattern I saw my mother playing out – distant, unkind and narcissistic men were what I grew up with so they were pretty familiar.  I had few role models of a good relationship so I lived by default.


  • Permission – I did not KNOW I could ask for more – from men, from myself, from my life – so I settled.  I did not feel I had the “permission” to be happy so I  tolerated unhappiness and crappy behaviour.  


So what changed?

I got really sick.

I got really tired.

I got to “I am not getting out of bed” and you can all go fuck yourself.”


And then after my martyred meltdown, I realized that I was the gatekeeper of my own happiness and started making decisions based in living and loving in a totally uncaged manner.

I got super clear on what I was NOT willing to accept (I chucked the non-rent paying partner).

I got really clear on what I wanted even though I did not know HOW it was going to happen.  (I manifested my soulmate and husband, Ian within days of this decision btw).

So if you take anything from this, here it is:

  1. Get Clear On What You Will NOT Accept – Simply, stop being a “nice girl” and putting up with other’s shit when really you are mad as hell.
  2. Start to Create a Vision for What You DO Want – Even it is not here yet or you have no idea how it will happen, get clear on what you want. Most of us never give ourselves the permission to dream.
  3. Don’t Make Yourself Wrong – be ok that asking for more is uncomfortable and expect that other’s may be upset that you are rocking the boat, but don’t lose your self. It is never worth it.
  4. Say Yes to MORE! Ask for MORE and Offer MORE – see what the Universe brings you when you ask for more and be ready to receive it!  We are here to experience the goodness of life, love, sex, men and our self – what are you wanting to receive?
  5. Consider What “Unleashed loving + Uncaged living” Would Mean for You – your permission slip is signed, sister!!!


I hope these words help you in any small way + am always grateful to share space with you.

Big love,



Your Story…

Have you ever settled for crumbs???

We continue the conversation over at the The Rich Relationship Secrets Facebook page. Come join us now.  We at least can have a laugh about it all!  Share your story with the loving community.



Leader of the Sacred Relationship Rebellion, best-selling author + down to earth Canadian girl, Shasta Townsend is a fierce advocate for unleashed loving + relationship bliss.

She teaches women and couples around the world how to tap into, harness + manifest their own deep longings for real love + connection, and has helped created miracles in hundreds of relationships thanks to her unique approach.  Shasta is one of the first teachers to combine sacred wisdom, neuroscience, quantum physics and Positive Psychology in the area of marriage and relationship.    Her debut book, Happy, Sexy, Shameless – What Our Mother’s Didn’t Know About the Birds and the Bees is an international best seller and is available through amazon.com and all amazon platforms world-wide.   Visit www.shastatownsend.com to learn more.


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