Tag Archives: relationship advice

Why We Settle for Men’s Crumbs

My “I’m not taking any shit” face. Anymore.

 

I have settled for crumbs from men…

Like the guy I lived with who spent his share of the rent money on a new bicycle seat. It was one nice fucking seat!

But of course, I paid his share of rent and secretly dreamed of lighting that bike on fire.

Or the guy I spent nearly five-years with who did not once ever remember my birthday or buy me a Christmas gift.  His Grandma did, but not him!  What was I thinking?  She would have been a better date!

And then there’s the two-second lover who asked me “If I was just not into sex” when I did not orgasm in the first two minutes after he did. I wish I had told him that he was terrible, selfish and shitty lover but I just found my clothes and left.

So there is no shame, if like me, you have settled at time for men’s crumbs.

But why?

 

Why did I ever settle for this terrible behaviour?

Why did I tolerate it?

I can’t really blame the men I chose.

I chose them and their crap. I put up with it until I was near the breaking point.

 

So many of my clients tell me they are “tired of chasing after men’s crumbs.”

Women are hungry…

…Hungry for a soulful relationship.

…Hungry for better sex and their own orgasm.

…Hungry for a man/their man to be truly there for them, no matter what.

…Hungry for a man/their man to be strong and yet vulnerable too.

 

And yet we are sorta tired and maybe we believe that the crumbs are “good enough”.

So back to my question: Why did I ever settle for this terrible behaviour?

 

Why I Settled for Crumbs

Clearly there were some self-esteem issues tied up here, but I won’t give you the usual self-help “I’m not feeling worthy.”  You can see that.  I felt unworthy, but…

Here what was really underneath my acceptance of crumbs:

  •  Terror – I was actually TERRIFIED of being truly loved +  loving deeply. I was frightened of the power of love + maybe losing myself.  I was also scared of losing love. I was afraid to have something so good and then lose it so I kept it away.

 

  • Patterns – I had no idea what a good relationship looked like so I was re-creating much of the same pattern I saw my mother playing out – distant, unkind and narcissistic men were what I grew up with so they were pretty familiar.  I had few role models of a good relationship so I lived by default.

 

  • Permission – I did not KNOW I could ask for more – from men, from myself, from my life – so I settled.  I did not feel I had the “permission” to be happy so I  tolerated unhappiness and crappy behaviour.  

 

So what changed?

I got really sick.

I got really tired.

I got to “I am not getting out of bed” and you can all go fuck yourself.”

Yikes!

And then after my martyred meltdown, I realized that I was the gatekeeper of my own happiness and started making decisions based in living and loving in a totally uncaged manner.

I got super clear on what I was NOT willing to accept (I chucked the non-rent paying partner).

I got really clear on what I wanted even though I did not know HOW it was going to happen.  (I manifested my soulmate and husband, Ian within days of this decision btw).

So if you take anything from this, here it is:

  1. Get Clear On What You Will NOT Accept – Simply, stop being a “nice girl” and putting up with other’s shit when really you are mad as hell.
  2. Start to Create a Vision for What You DO Want – Even it is not here yet or you have no idea how it will happen, get clear on what you want. Most of us never give ourselves the permission to dream.
  3. Don’t Make Yourself Wrong – be ok that asking for more is uncomfortable and expect that other’s may be upset that you are rocking the boat, but don’t lose your self. It is never worth it.
  4. Say Yes to MORE! Ask for MORE and Offer MORE – see what the Universe brings you when you ask for more and be ready to receive it!  We are here to experience the goodness of life, love, sex, men and our self – what are you wanting to receive?
  5. Consider What “Unleashed loving + Uncaged living” Would Mean for You – your permission slip is signed, sister!!!

 

I hope these words help you in any small way + am always grateful to share space with you.

Big love,

Shasta

 

Your Story…

Have you ever settled for crumbs???

We continue the conversation over at the The Rich Relationship Secrets Facebook page. Come join us now.  We at least can have a laugh about it all!  Share your story with the loving community.

 

ABOUT SHASTA

Leader of the Sacred Relationship Rebellion, best-selling author + down to earth Canadian girl, Shasta Townsend is a fierce advocate for unleashed loving + relationship bliss.

She teaches women and couples around the world how to tap into, harness + manifest their own deep longings for real love + connection, and has helped created miracles in hundreds of relationships thanks to her unique approach.  Shasta is one of the first teachers to combine sacred wisdom, neuroscience, quantum physics and Positive Psychology in the area of marriage and relationship.    Her debut book, Happy, Sexy, Shameless – What Our Mother’s Didn’t Know About the Birds and the Bees is an international best seller and is available through amazon.com and all amazon platforms world-wide.   Visit www.shastatownsend.com to learn more.

 

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Stop Telling Me to Love Myself More

dsc_1262I am so tired of hearing that women “need to love themselves more”.

Stop judging our level of self love as some sort of barometer for success, love-ability or worthiness as a woman.

Of course, we have moments when we may hate the way our butt looks, wish we had had that witty repartee or knew how to fold napkins in the form of cranes to astound our dinner guests, but assuming that we hate ourselves is so tiring.

It sets up the assumption that we can NOT receive love until we have some sort of overflowing bucket of self-love to validate it first.

It’s shite!

And impossible…

For Love is our nature…

We can’t ever NOT be connected to love, for love is our internal nature (Essence, Spirit, Soul, Atman).

It’s who we are + is the basis of the Universe we live in.  All else is false.

WE ARE LOVE. It’s that simple.

So, rather than assuming we don’t love themselves, let’s consider, “What’s blocking this internal nature instead?”

One thing could be the very belief that we DON’T love ourselves, along with all the other stories of unworthiness we have ALL accepted at some level.

It is OK to have moments of self-doubt and maybe even self loathing as we mix it up in life, but don’t let anyone tell you to love yourself more.

They may mean well but really this is a huge projection of judgment + criticism.

It sets us up for more self loathing too.
 
We are a failure who can’t even love herself!

How will we ever love anyone else?

Or how will they ever love us? We are total failures!

 

So how do we create more love for ourselves + in our lives?

dsc_4502Give love away like the sun gives away light – with no agenda, no attachment, no worries.

Many times we love with a hidden “need” – we want our  lover or friends to reflect our own value back at us and this is impossible (not to mention extremely dangerous as we tread into the waters of co-dependency + disempowerment.)

So we are told we need to love ourselves first in order for another to see that we are worthy of loving.

But love is not a commodity…It is a river and it is ALWAYS flowing to you, beautiful woman.

So today when you have that moment of self-doubt, self-hate, self-loathing, notice that + look for someone or something + flow love to THEM.   Feel gratitude. See beauty. Feel the loveliness of loving.

And know your true state as one of love…

Big love to you,

Shasta

 

Your Thoughts…

We continue the conversation over at the The Rich Relationship Secrets Facebook page. Come join us now.

 

ABOUT SHASTA

Best-selling author, award winning teacher and down-to-earth Canadian girl, Shasta Townsend is your “marriage mechanic” who helps you manifest your relationship dream by teaching you how to apply Universal Laws to create a rich and satisfying relationship, no matter what AND the practical day-to-day tools that can change everything! Shasta is one of the first teachers to combine the teachings of Quantum Physics, Law of Attraction, Spiritual Psychology and good old common sense in the area of marriage, love and intimacy. Her many student’s success speak to the power of her work, and her own story is one of amazing “miracles”. She is here as the helping hand you’ve been seeking. Learn more at www.shastatownsend.com
 

Get More Spirited Relationship Advice You Can Actually Use! 

Click the graphic below to get your free GIFT – How to Get Him to Get It – Three Secrets Revealed!!!

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Foreboding Joy – Why We Fear Happiness & How Not To

Don't be too happy, lady!
Don’t be too happy, lady!

Waiting for the other shoe to drop? 

Fear that if something good happens then something bad must happen to tip the scales?

Wonder when all the good things will be taken away?

Many of us have a fear of happiness.

It is a sense of what I call “foreboding joy”.

The feeling that: “I better not get too happy or else the fairies of the Universe will notice and take this away from me.”

Or an inner worry that things must “even out at some point.” We have an inner dialogue that says, “Don’t get too happy. Nothing lasts forever.”

We also fear that people will judge us, take from us or even abandon us when we have success or happiness.

We live in a culture that celebrates other’s misfortunes and applauds mishaps so it can feel like a real risk to demonstrate our happiness.

Instead of really basking in the moments of joy we actually hold them at arms length or even set out to destroy or diminish them.

Many of else feel that we are frauds, phonies and tricksters and that sooner or later the Universe will catch up to our shenanigans and take away our happy. Best we just block happiness now to avoid disappointment later.

IMG_5786
Good things like a new home can bring up old fears of things going wrong.

I have allowed myself to fall victim to this fear too.

Just after I moved into my dream home with my husband, my mind started to take stock of all the things that could now go wrong including the septic system blowing up, frogs in our well and insane neighbors. Seriously, Shasta?

I also felt like I was looking for things to create struggle between Ian and I as things were going so well. It was all an attempt to block my joy. It was all part of past programming that reminded me to “prepare for the worst.”

For many women our fear of happiness actually can cause us to CREATE strife in our marriage and manifest issues that really are not there to begin with.

Our “addiction” to drama can sneakily take over and sabotage our good life.

There are many cultural and family of origin reasons for this, but nonetheless if we want to truly be happy we must notice our resistance to it.

The problem also with preparing for the worst is that we manifest it as we get what we focus upon. Then we say: “See. I knew this would happen!”

But the truth is we are literally creating EVERY experience, and all reality is coming from our “in-here” story. Law of Attraction PROVES you right, every time.

If you expect the worst, you get the worst. It is law.

So as soon as my mind went to this ancient survivalist thinking I reminded myself of these three Universal Truths:

Truth #1 – The Purpose of Life is Joy

I know the purpose of my life is to experience joy – NOT overcome karma, not prove my worthiness, not to learn lessons, not to navigate another storm or punishment from God.

I am here TO EXPERIENCE JOY! This is a radical departure from much religious, spiritual and modern cultural thinking, but I know this to be true.

I can keep myself feeling unworthy, worried, fearful or I can choose to allow the natural flow of JOY.

Reflection –  What do you think the purpose of you life is? How does aligning to the inherent goodness, joy and wellbeing within you feel? What if the purpose was to EXPAND joy in the Universe?

Truth #2 – The Nature of God/Goddess/The Divine is LOVE

My God/Goddess is inherently loving, expansive and supportive. I can’t get behind a God or Goddess that is anything but this. I don’t believe I am being punished. I don’t believe I am a mistake. I don’t believe in Original Sin, and I don’t believe in Karmic Retribution.

I believe a God/Goddess that created Monarch butterflies, dark chocolate, multiple orgasms and deep red lipstick is profoundly in love with life and with me.

I feel as though I come from love, am love and therefore the purpose my life is to experience that love through all the goodness that comes my way.

Yes, challenges, loss and betrayal occur in my life but this is NOT a sign that I am NOT loved, but an opportunity for me to cultivate my skills of forgiveness, compassion, and joy even at challenging times.

Reflection –  What is your concept of the Divine? Are you ready to embrace a loving Universe/Divine/God? Do you see examples of how much the Divine loves us everyday?

 

Truth #3 – The Universe Has My Back

The cultural myth that life is hard, people are mean and we have to struggle is just that – a MYTH.

Furthermore, the belief that at any time God/Goddess/The Universe is punishing you or asserting its will is FALSE.

Yup, totally WRONG!

There is NO assertion in our Universe for it is an attraction based Universe – that is The Universe responds to your every wish, desire, and focus. Literally you get what you line up to or what you focus upon. This is not punishment. This is Law.

The good news is that the more we align to happy, to gratitude, to love, to joy, the more we get more of it!!!!

The Universe has my back. It gives me what I ask for, what I focus upon and what I most deeply desire so my opportunity is to ask for what I truly want, focus upon what is going well and rejoice in the goodness of life every damn minute!

Reflection – What in your life is going really well? What would you like to have MORE of? What would you like to ask the Universe for MORE of today?

Your Thoughts…

We are also continuing the circle on how to create conscious relationships for spiritual women over at the The Rich Relationship Secrets Facebook page.

Big love,

Shasta

ABOUT SHASTA: Best-selling author, award winning teacher and down-to-earth Canadian girl, Shasta Townsend is your “marriage mechanic” who helps you manifest your relationship dream by teaching you how to apply Universal Laws to create a rich and satisfying relationship, no matter what AND the practical day-to-day tools that can change everything! Shasta is one of the first teachers to combine the teachings of Quantum Physics, Law of Attraction, Spiritual Psychology and good old common sense in the area of marriage, love and intimacy. Her many student’s success speak to the power of her work, and her own story is one of amazing “miracles”. She is here as the helping hand you’ve been seeking. Learn more at www.shastatownsend.com

Get More Spirited Relationship Advice You Can Actually Use! 

Click the graphic below to get your free GIFT – How to Get Him to Get It – Three Secrets Revealed!!!

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The “Trick” Your Brain Plays to Keep You Frustrated! – 3 Minutes That Could Change Your Life!

I know it’s super cheesy when people say “This will change your life”, but what I am about to share with you Really. Could. Change. Your. Life.

First, let me ask: “Does it ever feel like things are getting worse in your relationship, at the very least sorta staying the same?”

WTF?
WTF?  You mean my brain literally keeps showing me the yucky stuff?

Maybe you keep seeing the same old patterns in your relationship, your partner and even yourself that annoy that hell out of you!

“Why does he not get it?” you ask.

The answer is that you get more of what you FOCUS upon and most of us have no idea HOW to focus well.

AND…

We have an aspect of your brain that seeks out evidence for what is “important” to us ie.e to validate an internal story we have going.

We literally only SEE the things we want to see.

Crazy!

Watch my three-minute How To Video on The Power of Focus or Why Your Brain Sees Red Jeeps & All the Jerk Face Stuff He Does

Your Thoughts…

We are also continuing the circle on how to create conscious relationships for spiritual women over at the The Rich Relationship Secrets Facebook page.

Big love,

Shasta

ABOUT SHASTA: Best-selling author, award winning teacher and down-to-earth Canadian girl, Shasta Townsend is your “marriage mechanic” who helps you manifest your relationship dream by teaching you how to apply Universal Laws to create a rich and satisfying relationship, no matter what AND the practical day-to-day tools that can change everything! Shasta is one of the first teachers to combine the teachings of Quantum Physics, Law of Attraction, Spiritual Psychology and good old common sense in the area of marriage, love and intimacy. Her many student’s success speak to the power of her work, and her own story is one of amazing “miracles”. She is here as the helping hand you’ve been seeking. Learn more at www.shastatownsend.com

Get More Spirited Relationship Advice You Can Actually Use! 

Click the graphic below to get your free GIFT – How to Get Him to Get It – Three Secrets Revealed!!!

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What to Do When He’s A Downer – How To [Video] Ask Shasta Blog

As a spiritually focused woman you are expanding, learning and growing.

You may need to "lead" him down the path...
You may need to “lead” him down the path…

You are finally on a path that feels really good, and of course you want to share that with everyone you meet and most importantly with your partner.

But what if he is “not on the path”?

What if he is in fact resistant to your growth, or resisting his own?

How do you stay focused on your own expansion and not let him bring you down with his complaining, whining and general jerk face behavior?

This week’s Ask Shasta Blog answers the question that thousands if not millions of spiritual women are asking:

“What do I do when he’s a major downer?”

Shasta’s video post includes four specific steps that you can do now to keep your energy clear, remain on your path with ease and not feel so damn annoyed that he’s just not getting it!

Watch ⇒ What To Do When He’s A Major Downer 

Learn four clear and easy steps to “protect” your energy as a woman.

Your Thoughts? 

We are also continuing the circle on how to create conscious relationships for spiritual women over at the The Rich Relationship Secrets Facebook page.

Share your insights, ahas, and break-throughs on The Rich Relationship Secrets Facebook Group and meet other like-minded sisters who are dedicated to changing their own lives and the world by bringing their Goddess Nature & Divine Essence  to their relationships.

Big love,

Shasta

ABOUT SHASTA: Best-selling author, award winning teacher and down-to-earth Canadian girl, Shasta Townsend is your “marriage mechanic” who helps you manifest your relationship dream by teaching you how to apply Universal Laws to create a rich and satisfying relationship, no matter what AND the practical day-to-day tools that can change everything! Shasta is one of the first teachers to combine the teachings of Quantum Physics, Law of Attraction, Spiritual Psychology and good old common sense in the area of marriage, love and intimacy. Her many student’s success speak to the power of her work, and her own story is one of amazing “miracles”. She is here as the helping hand you’ve been seeking. www.shastatownsend.com

Get More Spirited Relationship Advice You Can Actually Use! 

Click the graphic below to get your free GIFT – How to Get Him to Get It – Three Secrets Revealed!!!

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