Learn exactly how I created deep connection in my marriage without saying a word!

Subconsciously Sabotaging Yourself? {The Law of Sacrifice Revealed}

I have been off the grid so to speak for a few months and have not been writing much to you…

The zombies did not get me, but I took some time to truly heal my old addiction to “struggle” as I am so dedicated to authenticity.

The funny thing is that when my life was actually going REALLY WELL old stories of “when is this going to fall apart” arose.

Have you ever had that?  The feeling like when is the other shoe going to drop?

Ian and I had moved into our dream home, we were at a new level of intimacy and understanding and my various businesses were doing well, and I was having moments of panic.

I see that part of me was use to “working hard” … Part of me was use to people letting me down … Part of me was use to it being H A R D!

When this was NOT the case, my subconscious had a little panic attack and attempted to sabotage my success and happiness.

The Trouble with the Subconscious Mind

Your mind is basically divided into a conscious aspect and a subconscious aspect, and about 95% of our thoughts are unconscious.

Our subconscious mind is silently telling us HOW to think about things.

The trouble with the subconscious is:  

  1. It does not thing or choose, rather it only accepts programmed beliefs or assumptions that it believes are true. But they are NEVER examined for truth. 
  2. Its major role is to keep you safe even if “safe” is actually unproductive. Safe to the subconscious really means “familiar”.
  3. The beliefs and patterns of the subconscious were developed before the age of 7. YES SEVEN!!!!

So a child is actually running the show!  A freaked out, unconscious child.

My freaked out unconscious child was used to the struggle, the drama, the chaos and the fear, and to be happy, at ease and abundant was painful.

To change our subconscious patterns, we become truly aware of our connection to the Universe and to Truth.

We must consciously decide what is true and what we want as an adult … even when it feels painful, unfamiliar, scary and maybe even “disloyal”.

We must also be willing, not only to examine the unconscious stories, but to sacrifice them.

The Law of Sacrifice Revealed

There is where The Law of Sacrifice is so interesting to understand.

The Law of Sacrifice states: In order to attain something of greater value, you must give up something that is of lesser value. 

In other words to be happy, we have to decide to give up stories of struggle.

So I decided to consciously allow myself to say YES to rich and satisfying experiences, relationships and a good and easy LIFE.

I had to sacrifice my addition to the belief that life was hard.

I had to sacrifice my willingness to worry about things falling apart, and sacrifice my need for control.

I truly took a look at my “stories” and addictions with the help of a mentor, and dove deep into Universal Laws, spiritual wisdom and my own deep Desire, and I truly feel I am on a new threshold of power, clarity, integrity and kick-ass strength.

I share this with you not only to explain where the hell I have been, but to invite you to consider if you have an addiction to the struggle.

The Allure of Struggle

We see struggle in our family, in our friends, in our culture, and we believe struggle is normal, maybe even a badge of honor.

We believe that life and certainly relationships are all about struggle, settling, drama, screaming matches, self-denial and anger.

How many times have we heard that things “don’t come easy.”

Why the fuck not?

We become more comfortable with struggle, than with happiness.

We settle for less because we are used to settling for less.

We struggle because we are literally addicted to struggle.

It’s time to sacrifice this!

Your Turn

So consider:

What am I willing to sacrifice of lesser value even though it is familiar? 

Can I give up my addiction to “hard”, struggle, or settling?

Who or what do I betray when I do this?

Share your comments, ahas and question on The Rich Relationship Secrets Facebook page.

Thank you for being apart of this community, and for being willing to say YES to your rich & satisfying life and love even when it feels shaky.

It’s your truth.

Now I must go kiss my husband, drink a glass of wine and rejoice at the ease of my choices.

Much love,

Shasta

ABOUT SHASTA

Best-selling author, award winning teacher and down-to-earth Canadian girl, Shasta Townsend is your “marriage mechanic” who helps you manifest your relationship dream by teaching you how to apply Universal Laws to create a rich and satisfying relationship, no matter what AND the practical day-to-day tools that can change everything! Shasta is one of the first teachers to combine the teachings of Quantum Physics, Law of Attraction, Spiritual Psychology and good old common sense in the area of marriage, love and intimacy. Her many student’s success speak to the power of her work, and her own story is one of amazing “miracles”. She is here as the helping hand you’ve been seeking. Learn more at www.shastatownsend.com

3 Simple Practices for the Broken Hearted (+ the rest of us)

Divorce + relationship conflict are considered the most stressful events in a person’s life after the sudden loss of a loved one.

When Ian and I were in breakdown mode, it was certainly the worst time of my life.

I remember being in so much pain that I just wanted it to end which I thought leaving would do.   My heart was breaking. I have never felt that alone, messed up and sad.

I felt wired and yet over tired all the time.

The adrenaline messed with my brain and body.  I could not think straight. 

I felt like a pinball bouncing off of his “stuff”, and just hoping  he would  finally “get it”.

But, I made it through AND Ian and I now have a relationship that is rock solid with a level of friendship, connection, passion and understanding that I did not know was possible.

At the time of our greatest conflict, I was a hot mess, and I wish I had known more clearly what to do so that I could have moved through it all with a little more grace AND a little faster!

So this is a wee article for all of you who are in relationship strife, breakdown or just feeling a little sad in your heart.

Here are three things that you can do to bring in calm + clarity for yourself.

I start with the “what not do” first because it is usually what we are conditioned to do so it can feel counter intuitive, but trust me and try it out.

3 Simple Practices for the Broken Hearted (to Feel More Calm + Clear)

    • Stop Talking About What’s Wrong  –  I know it is somewhat delicious to complain about your spouse , but talking about all the things he did to you actually keeps the energy highly charged and stuck!  It keeps you in a loop of feeling victimized then self righteous.  Hey, I have been there! You have to decide to stop telling your sad story.  Talk about “your story” also created adrenaline and cortisol, stress hormones and this keeps your feeling totally jacked up and frazzled.  If you want more calm in body and mind, you have to stop talking about what’s wrong.

Instead ==>  Seek out support from a coach who can help you observe the “story” and heal it. Trust that you are ready to actually “overcome” the story and create something truly magical. 

 

  • Do Not Seek Advice from Your Friends –  They love you and they are on “your side” therefore they are NOT beyond bias which means they will absolutely validate your story that he is an asshole.   They may also be triggered by your experience and their own past experience of betrayal, anger and hurt can be activated.  They may also not like your partner and your relationship conflict is a perfect time to air all their grievances about him.  Friends, in my experience, are rarely capable of unattached, non-judgmental advice.  So if you seek advice, take it with a grain of salt.  Also, check out their relationship status before asking.  If they are single, in relationship breakdown or recently divorced, they may not have the tools to give you the support you need.

INSTEAD ==> Seek out people who HAVE created a great relationship. Actions speak louder than words remember. 

 

  • Don’t Try to Make It Better for Everyone Else (at the Expense of You) – Marital strife and relationship breakdown affects everyone in your life, especially your children so of course you want to protect them and cushion their experience. But I see women who focus so much on how their children feel and making it better for them that they completely ignore their own self care and basic needs.  This results in their own physical dis-ease and emotional suffering.  Your children need you to take care of you.  This is NOT the time to quit Yoga, stop meditating or forego that podcast you love.

INSTEAD ==> Create a space for you everyday. EVERY DAY!!   When I was really a hot mess and things were breaking down fast in my marriage, I meditated everyday and walked in the forest.    I actually felt compelled, like another force was taking over my body. Maybe it was. Maybe my Essential Self was forcing me to come to centre.  I am sure glad it did as those tools helped me shift my inner landscape and create a new reality in my marriage and my life. 

 

Do you have other practices that help you stay centred during times of strife or conflict?  Share them on our private Facebook group Rich Relationship Secrets.

Wishing you much love and calm,

Shasta

Consider this Resource Too 

I share all of my secrets of how i went from relationship breakdown to relationship BLISS in The Rich & Satisfying Relationship Blueprint.  This is an online program that gives you all the tools, practices and calm to move from confused to clear and taking action.

I so want you to have the relationship you desire, that I am offering it now at a special price.   Learn more now. 

Picture yourself…

  • Waking up every morning delighted to share a coffee, a quick conversation or a long shower with the man you love…
  • Being excited to get home at the end of day, and being greeted with a smile and a warm hug in strong, loving arms…
  • Having a deep friendship with your partner and being able to talk to him about anything… your deepest longings and fears – even money or sex – and feel totally seen and understood…
  • Enjoying a feeling of deep partnership as you dream and co-create an amazing life together…
  • Feeling a warm glow come over you when you look at your husband, and having the kind of passion in your intimate life that fogs up the windows and gets the neighbors talking…

You have the power to create what you most desire…and it’s easier than you believe.

And it’s way easier (+ less painful) than numbing yourself, making “busy” to avoid the emptiness or living a half life waiting for “some day.”

This is your SOME DAY, woman!  Learn more about The Rich and Satisfying Blueprint and how it has changed the lives and love of women just like you!

Why We Settle for Men’s Crumbs

My “I’m not taking any shit” face. Anymore.

 

I have settled for crumbs from men…

Like the guy I lived with who spent his share of the rent money on a new bicycle seat. It was one nice fucking seat!

But of course, I paid his share of rent and secretly dreamed of lighting that bike on fire.

Or the guy I spent nearly five-years with who did not once ever remember my birthday or buy me a Christmas gift.  His Grandma did, but not him!  What was I thinking?  She would have been a better date!

And then there’s the two-second lover who asked me “If I was just not into sex” when I did not orgasm in the first two minutes after he did. I wish I had told him that he was terrible, selfish and shitty lover but I just found my clothes and left.

So there is no shame, if like me, you have settled at time for men’s crumbs.

But why?

 

Why did I ever settle for this terrible behaviour?

Why did I tolerate it?

I can’t really blame the men I chose.

I chose them and their crap. I put up with it until I was near the breaking point.

 

So many of my clients tell me they are “tired of chasing after men’s crumbs.”

Women are hungry…

…Hungry for a soulful relationship.

…Hungry for better sex and their own orgasm.

…Hungry for a man/their man to be truly there for them, no matter what.

…Hungry for a man/their man to be strong and yet vulnerable too.

 

And yet we are sorta tired and maybe we believe that the crumbs are “good enough”.

So back to my question: Why did I ever settle for this terrible behaviour?

 

Why I Settled for Crumbs

Clearly there were some self-esteem issues tied up here, but I won’t give you the usual self-help “I’m not feeling worthy.”  You can see that.  I felt unworthy, but…

Here what was really underneath my acceptance of crumbs:

  •  Terror – I was actually TERRIFIED of being truly loved +  loving deeply. I was frightened of the power of love + maybe losing myself.  I was also scared of losing love. I was afraid to have something so good and then lose it so I kept it away.

 

  • Patterns – I had no idea what a good relationship looked like so I was re-creating much of the same pattern I saw my mother playing out – distant, unkind and narcissistic men were what I grew up with so they were pretty familiar.  I had few role models of a good relationship so I lived by default.

 

  • Permission – I did not KNOW I could ask for more – from men, from myself, from my life – so I settled.  I did not feel I had the “permission” to be happy so I  tolerated unhappiness and crappy behaviour.  

 

So what changed?

I got really sick.

I got really tired.

I got to “I am not getting out of bed” and you can all go fuck yourself.”

Yikes!

And then after my martyred meltdown, I realized that I was the gatekeeper of my own happiness and started making decisions based in living and loving in a totally uncaged manner.

I got super clear on what I was NOT willing to accept (I chucked the non-rent paying partner).

I got really clear on what I wanted even though I did not know HOW it was going to happen.  (I manifested my soulmate and husband, Ian within days of this decision btw).

So if you take anything from this, here it is:

  1. Get Clear On What You Will NOT Accept – Simply, stop being a “nice girl” and putting up with other’s shit when really you are mad as hell.
  2. Start to Create a Vision for What You DO Want – Even it is not here yet or you have no idea how it will happen, get clear on what you want. Most of us never give ourselves the permission to dream.
  3. Don’t Make Yourself Wrong – be ok that asking for more is uncomfortable and expect that other’s may be upset that you are rocking the boat, but don’t lose your self. It is never worth it.
  4. Say Yes to MORE! Ask for MORE and Offer MORE – see what the Universe brings you when you ask for more and be ready to receive it!  We are here to experience the goodness of life, love, sex, men and our self – what are you wanting to receive?
  5. Consider What “Unleashed loving + Uncaged living” Would Mean for You – your permission slip is signed, sister!!!

 

I hope these words help you in any small way + am always grateful to share space with you.

Big love,

Shasta

 

Your Story…

Have you ever settled for crumbs???

We continue the conversation over at the The Rich Relationship Secrets Facebook page. Come join us now.  We at least can have a laugh about it all!  Share your story with the loving community.

 

ABOUT SHASTA

Leader of the Sacred Relationship Rebellion, best-selling author + down to earth Canadian girl, Shasta Townsend is a fierce advocate for unleashed loving + relationship bliss.

She teaches women and couples around the world how to tap into, harness + manifest their own deep longings for real love + connection, and has helped created miracles in hundreds of relationships thanks to her unique approach.  Shasta is one of the first teachers to combine sacred wisdom, neuroscience, quantum physics and Positive Psychology in the area of marriage and relationship.    Her debut book, Happy, Sexy, Shameless – What Our Mother’s Didn’t Know About the Birds and the Bees is an international best seller and is available through amazon.com and all amazon platforms world-wide.   Visit www.shastatownsend.com to learn more.

 

Get More Spirited Relationship Advice You Can Actually Use! 

Click the graphic below to get your free GIFT – How to Get Him to Get It – Three Secrets Revealed!!!

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Is Laundry the Real Reason Love Fades? (+ 5 Words to Watch Out For)

couple-arguingWhen love fades, it is suprisingly often NOT because of major issues like affairs, drug use or gambling away the mortgage.

Though these are certainly reason enough for a breakdown, the real reason most relationships fizzle is the often “trivial” day-to-day annoyances that undermine a relationship.

Canadian magazine, Fashion, recently polled their readers about relationship friction and 28% of the 400 women who responded said “minor annoyances” were the biggest culprits in their relationship.

Just to give you an idea only 13 per cent of respondents said “sex” and 9 per cent said “money” was the reason they argued. (Fashion Magazine, February 2017 ed.)

Though Fashion may not be the biggest source of relationship wisdom, the results of this poll tells an interesting story: most of us just want him to put his dirty underwear in the laundry, empty the dishwasher and as one of my clients said: “just watch the kids for 10 minutes while I make breakfast.”

We just want some effing support!

But are we willing to ask for it?  Clearly + openly?

For many of us, myself included, at times we think: “He should just know.

“He should know to put his underwear in the laundry.

“He should know that I can’t do it all myself.

“He should know to be of help.

I shouldn’t have to ask.”

 

“I shouldn’t have to ask” are five words to watch out for.

Anytime I hear myself saying: “I shouldn’t have to ask”, I know I do need to ask.

I also know that “my story” is totally triggered.

Yes it is tiresome to have the same old conversation + it’s frustrating to feel that he’s NOT getting it, but if believe we shouldn’t have to ask, then we are expecting him to be a mind reader.

 

Your partner probably knows you well but he may not have mastered mental telepathy yet.

Don’t expect him to.  Instead hold yourself accountable to do the very mystical thing: speak your needs + why they are important.

I’m not saying that you haven’t tried to ask, I’m merely suggesting that he has not understood WHY it is important to you and that he has not really heard you.

When I was first married, it drove me crazy that my husband did not put dishes in the dishwasher but left them on the counter right above it.

I was like: “Ian, why can you not put the effing dishes in the effing dishwasher. Do  you think I want to clean up dishes all day?”

His response was, “Relax. I will get to it. Who cares?”

I spoke my needs, right?  So why did he not get it?

 

I did not really speak my needs. I was blaming + shaming and almost everyone shuts down in the face of shame.

I also had not really communicated the reason it did matter to me.

The reason I cared is that my home is my sanctuary and I do appreciate harmony.

The reason I cared is that I wanted to feel that he cared about our home too.

The reason I cared is that I did feel like I had a ton of shit was on my shoulders and he was having a fun time watching football.

I was also super triggered!

 

I had a story that he did not care and that at some level I was “being used” and was unappreciated.

img_0659So I took a look at “the story” and reminded myself that this was not true.

I knew my partner wanted me to be happy.

I knew I chose him in part because I could count on him, so I put on my big-girl panties and spoke up, with love + clarity.

It was uncomfortable to speak to my needs (but so is arguing). I knew that my relationship required me to be uncomfortable at times and vulnerable + honest all of the time.

It was something like this:

“I know you will get to it, but I work from home and appreciate harmony and order. I need it to feel in the flow and a messy house is a major distraction for me.

 I see that you are busy too + that you do care about our home, but I feel overwhelmed by stacks of dishes. It’s just something more I need to take care of and I don’t want to feel that way.

I also want to feel like you totally have my back, which I know you do, so when the dishes go in the dishwasher this demonstrates that you do.

I’m not trying to nag at you, but I am asking for this thing because it is important to me.

Do you understand?

Can we find some sort of agreement about the dishes? ” 

To which he responded, “Ok. I will totally try to put the dishes in the dishwasher. I don’t want you to feel that way. I did not know this was so important to you.”

I then asked him if there was anything I could do that I was not doing that was annoying the hell out of him.

We both shared our needs.  We both felt heard. We both made change.

 

Here are the steps I took so you can do this with ease yourself:

  • I took responsibility for my story – I saw that I was creating a story about dishes not being done and my trigger around overwhelm + took responsibility for it. I decided that he was not a huge jerk face who had the awareness of a flea, but someone who really did want to support me + that I could give up the old “poor me” story.

 

  • I spoke up with clarity and love (no shaming + blaming) – Notice the words and structure I used. I take responsibility for my experience and share how I am feeling and why without saying he caused it. He didn’t.  I also tell him I know he has my back and that this demonstrates it.  This reassures him and let’s him know I DO see all he does for me.  This style of communication gave him an opportunity to correct something that he did not even know was an issue without feeling like a failure (and helped me feel more powerful by learning the skill of speaking to my needs).

 

  • I reciprocated – I demonstrated that I wanted to be there for him too.  If you demonstrate that you are willing to hear your partner and respond to his needs, he is way more likely to do the same.  Think about a time someone let you enter in a busy traffic line up, you were way more inspired to do it for someone else. Reciprocity is an overlooked superpower!

 

It can be uncomfortable as hell to speak our needs and share our desires, but in order to create a harmonious relationship we need to be willing to speak up, with love.  

DSC_1189We also do have to decide to let some things go…the dirty underwear still lands BESIDE the laundry basket, but at least I have a clean kitchen and open communication. Wink. Wink.

I hope these words help you in any small way + am always grateful to share space with you.

Here’s to unleashing love + harmonious relationship!

Big love,

Shasta

 

DSC_1340Can I Take You For Coffee?

Want a loving hand to hold while you release your own stories, allow the flow of Love + rest back in your relationship knowing he will always be there for you? 

I will be opening 3 VIP level mentoring spots with me very soon…if you want more details, please drop me a line and let’s have a virtual coffee date + chat to see if this is the right opportunity for you.

Email my team at teamhappy@shastatownsend.com with the Subject: Coffee Date and we will get back to you to set that up asap.

 

Your Thoughts…

We continue the conversation over at the The Rich Relationship Secrets Facebook page. Come join us now.

 

ABOUT SHASTA

Best-selling author, award winning teacher and down-to-earth Canadian girl, Shasta Townsend is your “marriage mechanic” who helps you manifest your relationship dream by teaching you how to apply Universal Laws to create a rich and satisfying relationship, no matter what AND the practical day-to-day tools that can change everything! Shasta is one of the first teachers to combine the teachings of Quantum Physics, Law of Attraction, Spiritual Psychology and good old common sense in the area of marriage, love and intimacy. Her many student’s success speak to the power of her work, and her own story is one of amazing “miracles”. She is here as the helping hand you’ve been seeking. Learn more at www.shastatownsend.com

Get More Spirited Relationship Advice You Can Actually Use! 

Click the graphic below to get your free GIFT – How to Get Him to Get It – Three Secrets Revealed!!!

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Stop Telling Me to Love Myself More

dsc_1262I am so tired of hearing that women “need to love themselves more”.

Stop judging our level of self love as some sort of barometer for success, love-ability or worthiness as a woman.

Of course, we have moments when we may hate the way our butt looks, wish we had had that witty repartee or knew how to fold napkins in the form of cranes to astound our dinner guests, but assuming that we hate ourselves is so tiring.

It sets up the assumption that we can NOT receive love until we have some sort of overflowing bucket of self-love to validate it first.

It’s shite!

And impossible…

For Love is our nature…

We can’t ever NOT be connected to love, for love is our internal nature (Essence, Spirit, Soul, Atman).

It’s who we are + is the basis of the Universe we live in.  All else is false.

WE ARE LOVE. It’s that simple.

So, rather than assuming we don’t love themselves, let’s consider, “What’s blocking this internal nature instead?”

One thing could be the very belief that we DON’T love ourselves, along with all the other stories of unworthiness we have ALL accepted at some level.

It is OK to have moments of self-doubt and maybe even self loathing as we mix it up in life, but don’t let anyone tell you to love yourself more.

They may mean well but really this is a huge projection of judgment + criticism.

It sets us up for more self loathing too.
 
We are a failure who can’t even love herself!

How will we ever love anyone else?

Or how will they ever love us? We are total failures!

 

So how do we create more love for ourselves + in our lives?

dsc_4502Give love away like the sun gives away light – with no agenda, no attachment, no worries.

Many times we love with a hidden “need” – we want our  lover or friends to reflect our own value back at us and this is impossible (not to mention extremely dangerous as we tread into the waters of co-dependency + disempowerment.)

So we are told we need to love ourselves first in order for another to see that we are worthy of loving.

But love is not a commodity…It is a river and it is ALWAYS flowing to you, beautiful woman.

So today when you have that moment of self-doubt, self-hate, self-loathing, notice that + look for someone or something + flow love to THEM.   Feel gratitude. See beauty. Feel the loveliness of loving.

And know your true state as one of love…

Big love to you,

Shasta

 

Your Thoughts…

We continue the conversation over at the The Rich Relationship Secrets Facebook page. Come join us now.

 

ABOUT SHASTA

Best-selling author, award winning teacher and down-to-earth Canadian girl, Shasta Townsend is your “marriage mechanic” who helps you manifest your relationship dream by teaching you how to apply Universal Laws to create a rich and satisfying relationship, no matter what AND the practical day-to-day tools that can change everything! Shasta is one of the first teachers to combine the teachings of Quantum Physics, Law of Attraction, Spiritual Psychology and good old common sense in the area of marriage, love and intimacy. Her many student’s success speak to the power of her work, and her own story is one of amazing “miracles”. She is here as the helping hand you’ve been seeking. Learn more at www.shastatownsend.com
 

Get More Spirited Relationship Advice You Can Actually Use! 

Click the graphic below to get your free GIFT – How to Get Him to Get It – Three Secrets Revealed!!!

Shasta_2