Learn exactly how I created deep connection in my marriage without saying a word!

When to Build A Wall? 3 Criteria {Take Back the Reigns Column}

This week’s Take Back the Reigns – Ask Shasta Column is actually the second part of a great question that an anonymous community member sent it. 

Hi Shasta,

I have been told as a spiritual person that I should just forgive everyone and try my best to have a relationship with them.

But I have a friend who really is not being a friend and I feel like it’s time to let her go, but I wonder if I am being a bitch in doing this. I think I really need to build a wall for my own sanity. Is it ok to build a wall?

Thank you,

Anonymous

 Dear Friend,

I answered the first part of this a week or so ago on WHY it is so confusing. Read that now.

But I want to  just follow up as so many students ask me this, and there is an important learning for those of us who wish to stay centred in love even as we “build a wall”.

To build a wall does not mean that we build a wall around our heart, but rather that we choose wisely who we want in our lives.

We have been given the gift of a big heart that we want to keep open, but we also have a discerning mind that is here to help us determine if this person is adding to our lives more frequently than they are taking from it.

How do you know if someone is adding or taking away from your life?

Here are my 3 criteria:

People do not have to be perfect, but they do have to be willing to:

  1. Take accountability for themselvesApologize, make actual changes, work on themselves – these are all examples of someone who is taking accountability.
  2. Do what they say they are going to do –  Actions really do speak louder than words. We have all received apologies from people who messed up, but did not see any real change. Someone who really wants to be in relationship with you will take action and do what they say they are going to do to make this relationship work.
  3. Be in the place of support and love at least 99% of the time  – I have a big heart and LOTS of love to give. I also forgive easily which has meant I put up with too much BS in the past but it taught me that I want to be in relationship with people who truly LOVE and support me.  You can have a meltdown but our relationship needs to be loving 99% of the time.

You can choose what is good for you, and that does NOT make you a bitch. It actually makes you a really loving person for when we love ourselves truly, we have MORE love to give others. We overflow as a full cup.

Wishing you amazing loving relationships every day!!!

Much love,

Shasta

 

Want Powerful Support in Love + In Life?

Reach out and book a free session with me today to have a chat about the support you are seeking and the results you want.

There is no pressure, and these are a great way to learn the next best step on your path to truly taking back the reigns in life and in love!   Book a 15-minute conversation today. 

 

PS: Take Back the Reigns is a weekly no-cost program that is open to everyone seeking direction on love, life and self-empowerment.

Each week, I’ll select and personally respond to one question that supports our community.

You may choose to remain anonymous if you wish, with our full support.

It is my deep, heartfelt intention that in answering your questions I provide support, clarity and means to inspire you to truly create a life and love of power.

See the sidebar to ask your question today!

ABOUT SHASTA

Best-selling author, award winning teacher and down-to-earth Canadian girl, Shasta Townsend is your “marriage mechanic” who helps you manifest your relationship dream by teaching you how to apply Universal Laws to create a rich and satisfying relationship, no matter what AND the practical day-to-day tools that can change everything! Shasta is one of the first teachers to combine the teachings of Quantum Physics, Law of Attraction, Spiritual Psychology and good old common sense in the area of marriage, love and intimacy. Her many student’s success speak to the power of her work, and her own story is one of amazing “miracles”. She is here as the helping hand you’ve been seeking. Learn more at www.shastatownsend.com

When to Build a Wall? {Take Back the Reigns – Ask Shasta Column)

This week’s Take Back the Reigns – Ask Shasta Column question comes from someone who wishes to remain anonymous.

 

 

Hi Shasta,

I have been told as a spiritual person that I should just forgive everyone and try my best to have a relationship with them.

But I have a friend who really is not being a friend and I feel like it’s time to let her go, but I wonder if I am being a bitch in doing this. I think I really need to build a wall for my own sanity.

Is it ok to build a wall?

Thank you,

Anonymous

 

 

 

Dear Friend,

This is such a great question! And I completely understand the confusion.

On the spiritual path we are told that forgiveness and acceptance of others are key to our own success, and part of living a spiritual life.

In addition, our culture trains us to accept a lot of shenanigans from others as a proof of our “niceness” and goodness.

We have taken on a lot of unconscious voices.

We believe we are being spiritual by accepting poor behavior from others, yet we are NOT really being true to our own Spirit.

There are times to create boundaries.

This does NOT make you an “unspiritual” person or a bitch.

It actually makes you authentic AND it sends a powerful message to The Universe on what you do want in your life and The Universe can it then provide that for you, (but I will talk more about this next week in Part 2 of this response.)

It does feel triggering to create boundaries given the messages we have subconsciously accepted.

We have to make the unconscious voices conscious to have control over them.

So consider this:

  1. Whose voice do I hear when I consider creating a boundary? (My mother’s? My cultures?)
  2. What does that voice tell me do to or be? (For example: Be kind to others no matter what because that is what “Christian” people or “our family” does?)
  3. What is the validation I receive in accepting “shenanigans” from others? (For example: I can tell myself I am a good person. I prove that I am extremely tolerant and can take a lot of crap.”

 

Notice that there are a lot of agreements that we have all accepted at some level to receive love, acceptance and belonging.

We accept relationships with people who can not really LOVE us, and we try to hard to gain their love…we end up tolerating a lot of bullshit and yet we are not truly being kind…to them or ourselves.

Next week, in Part 2 of this column, I will outline a powerful way to cut the cord with ease and grace.

Much love,

Shasta

PS: Take Back the Reigns is a weekly no-cost program that is open to everyone seeking direction on love, life and self-empowerment.

Each week, I’ll select and personally respond to one question that supports our community.

You may choose to remain anonymous if you wish, with our full support.

It is my deep, heartfelt intention that in answering your questions I provide support, clarity and means to inspire you to truly create a life and love of power.

See the sidebar to ask your question today!

ABOUT SHASTA

Best-selling author, award winning teacher and down-to-earth Canadian girl, Shasta Townsend is your “marriage mechanic” who helps you manifest your relationship dream by teaching you how to apply Universal Laws to create a rich and satisfying relationship, no matter what AND the practical day-to-day tools that can change everything! Shasta is one of the first teachers to combine the teachings of Quantum Physics, Law of Attraction, Spiritual Psychology and good old common sense in the area of marriage, love and intimacy. Her many student’s success speak to the power of her work, and her own story is one of amazing “miracles”. She is here as the helping hand you’ve been seeking. Learn more at www.shastatownsend.com

Subconsciously Sabotaging Yourself? {The Law of Sacrifice Revealed}

I have been off the grid so to speak for a few months and have not been writing much to you…

The zombies did not get me, but I took some time to truly heal my old addiction to “struggle” as I am so dedicated to authenticity.

The funny thing is that when my life was actually going REALLY WELL old stories of “when is this going to fall apart” arose.

Have you ever had that?  The feeling like when is the other shoe going to drop?

Ian and I had moved into our dream home, we were at a new level of intimacy and understanding and my various businesses were doing well, and I was having moments of panic.

I see that part of me was use to “working hard” … Part of me was use to people letting me down … Part of me was use to it being H A R D!

When this was NOT the case, my subconscious had a little panic attack and attempted to sabotage my success and happiness.

The Trouble with the Subconscious Mind

Your mind is basically divided into a conscious aspect and a subconscious aspect, and about 95% of our thoughts are unconscious.

Our subconscious mind is silently telling us HOW to think about things.

The trouble with the subconscious is:  

  1. It does not thing or choose, rather it only accepts programmed beliefs or assumptions that it believes are true. But they are NEVER examined for truth. 
  2. Its major role is to keep you safe even if “safe” is actually unproductive. Safe to the subconscious really means “familiar”.
  3. The beliefs and patterns of the subconscious were developed before the age of 7. YES SEVEN!!!!

So a child is actually running the show!  A freaked out, unconscious child.

My freaked out unconscious child was used to the struggle, the drama, the chaos and the fear, and to be happy, at ease and abundant was painful.

To change our subconscious patterns, we become truly aware of our connection to the Universe and to Truth.

We must consciously decide what is true and what we want as an adult … even when it feels painful, unfamiliar, scary and maybe even “disloyal”.

We must also be willing, not only to examine the unconscious stories, but to sacrifice them.

The Law of Sacrifice Revealed

There is where The Law of Sacrifice is so interesting to understand.

The Law of Sacrifice states: In order to attain something of greater value, you must give up something that is of lesser value. 

In other words to be happy, we have to decide to give up stories of struggle.

So I decided to consciously allow myself to say YES to rich and satisfying experiences, relationships and a good and easy LIFE.

I had to sacrifice my addition to the belief that life was hard.

I had to sacrifice my willingness to worry about things falling apart, and sacrifice my need for control.

I truly took a look at my “stories” and addictions with the help of a mentor, and dove deep into Universal Laws, spiritual wisdom and my own deep Desire, and I truly feel I am on a new threshold of power, clarity, integrity and kick-ass strength.

I share this with you not only to explain where the hell I have been, but to invite you to consider if you have an addiction to the struggle.

The Allure of Struggle

We see struggle in our family, in our friends, in our culture, and we believe struggle is normal, maybe even a badge of honor.

We believe that life and certainly relationships are all about struggle, settling, drama, screaming matches, self-denial and anger.

How many times have we heard that things “don’t come easy.”

Why the fuck not?

We become more comfortable with struggle, than with happiness.

We settle for less because we are used to settling for less.

We struggle because we are literally addicted to struggle.

It’s time to sacrifice this!

Your Turn

So consider:

What am I willing to sacrifice of lesser value even though it is familiar? 

Can I give up my addiction to “hard”, struggle, or settling?

Who or what do I betray when I do this?

Share your comments, ahas and question on The Rich Relationship Secrets Facebook page.

Thank you for being apart of this community, and for being willing to say YES to your rich & satisfying life and love even when it feels shaky.

It’s your truth.

Now I must go kiss my husband, drink a glass of wine and rejoice at the ease of my choices.

Much love,

Shasta

ABOUT SHASTA

Best-selling author, award winning teacher and down-to-earth Canadian girl, Shasta Townsend is your “marriage mechanic” who helps you manifest your relationship dream by teaching you how to apply Universal Laws to create a rich and satisfying relationship, no matter what AND the practical day-to-day tools that can change everything! Shasta is one of the first teachers to combine the teachings of Quantum Physics, Law of Attraction, Spiritual Psychology and good old common sense in the area of marriage, love and intimacy. Her many student’s success speak to the power of her work, and her own story is one of amazing “miracles”. She is here as the helping hand you’ve been seeking. Learn more at www.shastatownsend.com

3 Simple Practices for the Broken Hearted (+ the rest of us)

Divorce + relationship conflict are considered the most stressful events in a person’s life after the sudden loss of a loved one.

When Ian and I were in breakdown mode, it was certainly the worst time of my life.

I remember being in so much pain that I just wanted it to end which I thought leaving would do.   My heart was breaking. I have never felt that alone, messed up and sad.

I felt wired and yet over tired all the time.

The adrenaline messed with my brain and body.  I could not think straight. 

I felt like a pinball bouncing off of his “stuff”, and just hoping  he would  finally “get it”.

But, I made it through AND Ian and I now have a relationship that is rock solid with a level of friendship, connection, passion and understanding that I did not know was possible.

At the time of our greatest conflict, I was a hot mess, and I wish I had known more clearly what to do so that I could have moved through it all with a little more grace AND a little faster!

So this is a wee article for all of you who are in relationship strife, breakdown or just feeling a little sad in your heart.

Here are three things that you can do to bring in calm + clarity for yourself.

I start with the “what not do” first because it is usually what we are conditioned to do so it can feel counter intuitive, but trust me and try it out.

3 Simple Practices for the Broken Hearted (to Feel More Calm + Clear)

    • Stop Talking About What’s Wrong  –  I know it is somewhat delicious to complain about your spouse , but talking about all the things he did to you actually keeps the energy highly charged and stuck!  It keeps you in a loop of feeling victimized then self righteous.  Hey, I have been there! You have to decide to stop telling your sad story.  Talk about “your story” also created adrenaline and cortisol, stress hormones and this keeps your feeling totally jacked up and frazzled.  If you want more calm in body and mind, you have to stop talking about what’s wrong.

Instead ==>  Seek out support from a coach who can help you observe the “story” and heal it. Trust that you are ready to actually “overcome” the story and create something truly magical. 

 

  • Do Not Seek Advice from Your Friends –  They love you and they are on “your side” therefore they are NOT beyond bias which means they will absolutely validate your story that he is an asshole.   They may also be triggered by your experience and their own past experience of betrayal, anger and hurt can be activated.  They may also not like your partner and your relationship conflict is a perfect time to air all their grievances about him.  Friends, in my experience, are rarely capable of unattached, non-judgmental advice.  So if you seek advice, take it with a grain of salt.  Also, check out their relationship status before asking.  If they are single, in relationship breakdown or recently divorced, they may not have the tools to give you the support you need.

INSTEAD ==> Seek out people who HAVE created a great relationship. Actions speak louder than words remember. 

 

  • Don’t Try to Make It Better for Everyone Else (at the Expense of You) – Marital strife and relationship breakdown affects everyone in your life, especially your children so of course you want to protect them and cushion their experience. But I see women who focus so much on how their children feel and making it better for them that they completely ignore their own self care and basic needs.  This results in their own physical dis-ease and emotional suffering.  Your children need you to take care of you.  This is NOT the time to quit Yoga, stop meditating or forego that podcast you love.

INSTEAD ==> Create a space for you everyday. EVERY DAY!!   When I was really a hot mess and things were breaking down fast in my marriage, I meditated everyday and walked in the forest.    I actually felt compelled, like another force was taking over my body. Maybe it was. Maybe my Essential Self was forcing me to come to centre.  I am sure glad it did as those tools helped me shift my inner landscape and create a new reality in my marriage and my life. 

 

Do you have other practices that help you stay centred during times of strife or conflict?  Share them on our private Facebook group Rich Relationship Secrets.

Wishing you much love and calm,

Shasta

Consider this Resource Too 

I share all of my secrets of how i went from relationship breakdown to relationship BLISS in The Rich & Satisfying Relationship Blueprint.  This is an online program that gives you all the tools, practices and calm to move from confused to clear and taking action.

I so want you to have the relationship you desire, that I am offering it now at a special price.   Learn more now. 

Picture yourself…

  • Waking up every morning delighted to share a coffee, a quick conversation or a long shower with the man you love…
  • Being excited to get home at the end of day, and being greeted with a smile and a warm hug in strong, loving arms…
  • Having a deep friendship with your partner and being able to talk to him about anything… your deepest longings and fears – even money or sex – and feel totally seen and understood…
  • Enjoying a feeling of deep partnership as you dream and co-create an amazing life together…
  • Feeling a warm glow come over you when you look at your husband, and having the kind of passion in your intimate life that fogs up the windows and gets the neighbors talking…

You have the power to create what you most desire…and it’s easier than you believe.

And it’s way easier (+ less painful) than numbing yourself, making “busy” to avoid the emptiness or living a half life waiting for “some day.”

This is your SOME DAY, woman!  Learn more about The Rich and Satisfying Blueprint and how it has changed the lives and love of women just like you!

Why We Settle for Men’s Crumbs

My “I’m not taking any shit” face. Anymore.

 

I have settled for crumbs from men…

Like the guy I lived with who spent his share of the rent money on a new bicycle seat. It was one nice fucking seat!

But of course, I paid his share of rent and secretly dreamed of lighting that bike on fire.

Or the guy I spent nearly five-years with who did not once ever remember my birthday or buy me a Christmas gift.  His Grandma did, but not him!  What was I thinking?  She would have been a better date!

And then there’s the two-second lover who asked me “If I was just not into sex” when I did not orgasm in the first two minutes after he did. I wish I had told him that he was terrible, selfish and shitty lover but I just found my clothes and left.

So there is no shame, if like me, you have settled at time for men’s crumbs.

But why?

 

Why did I ever settle for this terrible behaviour?

Why did I tolerate it?

I can’t really blame the men I chose.

I chose them and their crap. I put up with it until I was near the breaking point.

 

So many of my clients tell me they are “tired of chasing after men’s crumbs.”

Women are hungry…

…Hungry for a soulful relationship.

…Hungry for better sex and their own orgasm.

…Hungry for a man/their man to be truly there for them, no matter what.

…Hungry for a man/their man to be strong and yet vulnerable too.

 

And yet we are sorta tired and maybe we believe that the crumbs are “good enough”.

So back to my question: Why did I ever settle for this terrible behaviour?

 

Why I Settled for Crumbs

Clearly there were some self-esteem issues tied up here, but I won’t give you the usual self-help “I’m not feeling worthy.”  You can see that.  I felt unworthy, but…

Here what was really underneath my acceptance of crumbs:

  •  Terror – I was actually TERRIFIED of being truly loved +  loving deeply. I was frightened of the power of love + maybe losing myself.  I was also scared of losing love. I was afraid to have something so good and then lose it so I kept it away.

 

  • Patterns – I had no idea what a good relationship looked like so I was re-creating much of the same pattern I saw my mother playing out – distant, unkind and narcissistic men were what I grew up with so they were pretty familiar.  I had few role models of a good relationship so I lived by default.

 

  • Permission – I did not KNOW I could ask for more – from men, from myself, from my life – so I settled.  I did not feel I had the “permission” to be happy so I  tolerated unhappiness and crappy behaviour.  

 

So what changed?

I got really sick.

I got really tired.

I got to “I am not getting out of bed” and you can all go fuck yourself.”

Yikes!

And then after my martyred meltdown, I realized that I was the gatekeeper of my own happiness and started making decisions based in living and loving in a totally uncaged manner.

I got super clear on what I was NOT willing to accept (I chucked the non-rent paying partner).

I got really clear on what I wanted even though I did not know HOW it was going to happen.  (I manifested my soulmate and husband, Ian within days of this decision btw).

So if you take anything from this, here it is:

  1. Get Clear On What You Will NOT Accept – Simply, stop being a “nice girl” and putting up with other’s shit when really you are mad as hell.
  2. Start to Create a Vision for What You DO Want – Even it is not here yet or you have no idea how it will happen, get clear on what you want. Most of us never give ourselves the permission to dream.
  3. Don’t Make Yourself Wrong – be ok that asking for more is uncomfortable and expect that other’s may be upset that you are rocking the boat, but don’t lose your self. It is never worth it.
  4. Say Yes to MORE! Ask for MORE and Offer MORE – see what the Universe brings you when you ask for more and be ready to receive it!  We are here to experience the goodness of life, love, sex, men and our self – what are you wanting to receive?
  5. Consider What “Unleashed loving + Uncaged living” Would Mean for You – your permission slip is signed, sister!!!

 

I hope these words help you in any small way + am always grateful to share space with you.

Big love,

Shasta

 

Your Story…

Have you ever settled for crumbs???

We continue the conversation over at the The Rich Relationship Secrets Facebook page. Come join us now.  We at least can have a laugh about it all!  Share your story with the loving community.

 

ABOUT SHASTA

Leader of the Sacred Relationship Rebellion, best-selling author + down to earth Canadian girl, Shasta Townsend is a fierce advocate for unleashed loving + relationship bliss.

She teaches women and couples around the world how to tap into, harness + manifest their own deep longings for real love + connection, and has helped created miracles in hundreds of relationships thanks to her unique approach.  Shasta is one of the first teachers to combine sacred wisdom, neuroscience, quantum physics and Positive Psychology in the area of marriage and relationship.    Her debut book, Happy, Sexy, Shameless – What Our Mother’s Didn’t Know About the Birds and the Bees is an international best seller and is available through amazon.com and all amazon platforms world-wide.   Visit www.shastatownsend.com to learn more.

 

Get More Spirited Relationship Advice You Can Actually Use! 

Click the graphic below to get your free GIFT – How to Get Him to Get It – Three Secrets Revealed!!!

Shasta_2