Divorce + relationship conflict are considered the most stressful events in a person’s life after the sudden loss of a loved one.
When Ian and I were in breakdown mode, it was certainly the worst time of my life.
I remember being in so much pain that I just wanted it to end which I thought leaving would do. My heart was breaking. I have never felt that alone, messed up and sad.
I felt wired and yet over tired all the time.
The adrenaline messed with my brain and body. I could not think straight.
I felt like a pinball bouncing off of his “stuff”, and just hoping he would finally “get it”.
But, I made it through AND Ian and I now have a relationship that is rock solid with a level of friendship, connection, passion and understanding that I did not know was possible.
At the time of our greatest conflict, I was a hot mess, and I wish I had known more clearly what to do so that I could have moved through it all with a little more grace AND a little faster!
So this is a wee article for all of you who are in relationship strife, breakdown or just feeling a little sad in your heart.
Here are three things that you can do to bring in calm + clarity for yourself.
I start with the “what not do” first because it is usually what we are conditioned to do so it can feel counter intuitive, but trust me and try it out.
3 Simple Practices for the Broken Hearted (to Feel More Calm + Clear)
- Stop Talking About What’s Wrong – I know it is somewhat delicious to complain about your spouse , but talking about all the things he did to you actually keeps the energy highly charged and stuck! It keeps you in a loop of feeling victimized then self righteous. Hey, I have been there! You have to decide to stop telling your sad story. Talk about “your story” also created adrenaline and cortisol, stress hormones and this keeps your feeling totally jacked up and frazzled. If you want more calm in body and mind, you have to stop talking about what’s wrong.
Instead ==> Seek out support from a coach who can help you observe the “story” and heal it. Trust that you are ready to actually “overcome” the story and create something truly magical.
- Do Not Seek Advice from Your Friends – They love you and they are on “your side” therefore they are NOT beyond bias which means they will absolutely validate your story that he is an asshole. They may also be triggered by your experience and their own past experience of betrayal, anger and hurt can be activated. They may also not like your partner and your relationship conflict is a perfect time to air all their grievances about him. Friends, in my experience, are rarely capable of unattached, non-judgmental advice. So if you seek advice, take it with a grain of salt. Also, check out their relationship status before asking. If they are single, in relationship breakdown or recently divorced, they may not have the tools to give you the support you need.
INSTEAD ==> Seek out people who HAVE created a great relationship. Actions speak louder than words remember.
- Don’t Try to Make It Better for Everyone Else (at the Expense of You) – Marital strife and relationship breakdown affects everyone in your life, especially your children so of course you want to protect them and cushion their experience. But I see women who focus so much on how their children feel and making it better for them that they completely ignore their own self care and basic needs. This results in their own physical dis-ease and emotional suffering. Your children need you to take care of you. This is NOT the time to quit Yoga, stop meditating or forego that podcast you love.
INSTEAD ==> Create a space for you everyday. EVERY DAY!! When I was really a hot mess and things were breaking down fast in my marriage, I meditated everyday and walked in the forest. I actually felt compelled, like another force was taking over my body. Maybe it was. Maybe my Essential Self was forcing me to come to centre. I am sure glad it did as those tools helped me shift my inner landscape and create a new reality in my marriage and my life.
Do you have other practices that help you stay centred during times of strife or conflict? Share them on our private Facebook group Rich Relationship Secrets.
Wishing you much love and calm,
Consider this Resource Too
I share all of my secrets of how i went from relationship breakdown to relationship BLISS in The Rich & Satisfying Relationship Blueprint. This is an online program that gives you all the tools, practices and calm to move from confused to clear and taking action.
I so want you to have the relationship you desire, that I am offering it now at a special price. Learn more now.
- Waking up every morning delighted to share a coffee, a quick conversation or a long shower with the man you love…
- Being excited to get home at the end of day, and being greeted with a smile and a warm hug in strong, loving arms…
- Having a deep friendship with your partner and being able to talk to him about anything… your deepest longings and fears – even money or sex – and feel totally seen and understood…
- Enjoying a feeling of deep partnership as you dream and co-create an amazing life together…
- Feeling a warm glow come over you when you look at your husband, and having the kind of passion in your intimate life that fogs up the windows and gets the neighbors talking…
You have the power to create what you most desire…and it’s easier than you believe.
And it’s way easier (+ less painful) than numbing yourself, making “busy” to avoid the emptiness or living a half life waiting for “some day.”
This is your SOME DAY, woman! Learn more about The Rich and Satisfying Blueprint and how it has changed the lives and love of women just like you!